Modern advances in carbon dating techniques have allowed scientists to trace Mr. Beltran’s birth to sometime after the fall of the Roman republic. Accounts from various eyewitnesses and historical records from around the world show that as a boy, Beltran enjoyed typical human child activities such as: frolicking, naps, and participating in the occasional zeppelin race.
As an adolescent, Beltran is widely considered to be the first to design and construct a spacecraft capable of faster than light travel. Unfortunately, the combination of 17USD and the threat of a CIA blacksite proved too tempting to refuse, and the designs were sold to the US Government.
Today, Beltran is considered an icon by billions around the world, in no small part because of his contributions to modern medicine; including being patient 0 for COVID-19. Even now, Beltran is out there, somewhere deep beneath the earth, excavating his way out of his subterranean imprisonment. And so, from all of us here on the surface: “Godspeed Nick! We need you now more than ever!”
